The Cougar Cookbook - Part One

This is my recipe for a cougar date. Use at your own discretion.



Cougar Date


INGREDIENTS


1 middle-aged woman, approximately 45 years old

1 midlife crisis

1 database of available young men, approximately 20-25 years old

1 teaspoon sugar

1 teaspoon spice

1 cup pre-date anxiety

1 case of the fuck-its

1 public meeting place

30 minutes of awkward conversation

1 hour of intense happiness

2 bowls of ice cream

1 awkward goodbye at front door or bus stop

3 days of obsessively checking phone for texts

1 bucket of tears

handful of texts to other available young men



INSTRUCTIONS


1. Preheat middle-aged woman with years of dating frustration and a waste of her sexual prime. Combine with mid-life crisis in a large bowl.


2. In a small black rectangular electronic device made by Apple, whisk database of available young men until strong candidates appear.


3. Mix sugar and spice and send flirty texts to these strong candidates. Let simmer for several days or weeks.


4. Set time and place for a date with one of the young men. Gradually pour in pre-date anxiety.


5. When the date is 24 hours away, realize that it probably won't work out anyway and pour a case of the fuck-its into the mix for anxiety reduction.


6. Place the woman and young man in a public meeting place. Set timer for 30 minutes of awkward conversation.


7. Once the conversation is finished, place the woman and young man in the woman's apartment. Extend the awkward conversation until the woman and young man are ready to turn the heat on.


8. Heat the woman and young man for approximately 1 hour of intense happiness.


9. Allow the woman and young man to cool down for a few minutes. Add two bowls of ice cream.


10. Once the ice cream bowls are empty, place the woman and young man at the front door or bring them to a bus stop close to the woman's apartment. Add a splash of awkward hug or bold kiss. Return the woman to her apartment.


11. Allow the woman to marinate in the juices of her own insecurity for approximately 3 days. Check the small black rectangular electronic device every few minutes to see if she's been burned.


12. Fill a bucket with tears. Wash undergarments in the bucket and hang them to dry to be used for the next cougar date.


13. Send a handful of texts to other available young men in the database.


14. Repeat steps 2 to 13. (Alternatively, realize that the cougar date recipe is a recipe for disaster. Remove the dating app from the small black rectangular electronic device. Eat the ice cream. Pour yourself a glass of the fuck-its.)


- M.B.