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The Cougar Cookbook - Part Two

This is my recipe for a middle-aged woman who's getting iced by young men on dating apps, otherwise known as a frozen cougar.

Frozen Cougar


1 single middle-aged woman, approximately 45 years old

1 global pandemic (COVID-19)

1 mid-life crisis

1 waste of her sexual prime

1 database of single young men, approximately 20-25 years old

a few bad apples

1 tbsp artificial sweetener

1 cup spicy texts

2 cups ice

1 tsp crushed heart

1 tsp bruised ego

handful of fantasies, melted

5 cups sour lemons

3 weeks away from online dating app

1 tsp reconsidering lesbianism


1. Preheat middle-aged woman with approximately two years of COVID-caused celibacy. Combine with mid-life crisis and a waste of her sexual prime in a large bowl.

2. In a small black rectangular electronic device made by Apple, whisk database of available (but not necessarily emotionally available) young men until strong candidates appear.

3. Mix in a few bad apples. Coat them with artificial sweetener so they are indecipherable from the good apples.

4. Pour the spicy texts in gradually, adding pet names to taste.

5. Wait until the middle-aged woman starts to get heated and emotionally invested. Dump in two cups of ice.

6. Once ghosting is confirmed, add the crushed heart, bruised ego and melted fantasies into the mix. If there isn't enough mid-life crisis, add more.

7. Puree the sour lemons in a blender and pour into the middle-aged woman's soul.

8. Freeze activity on the dating app for three weeks to reduce bitterness of the middle-aged woman.

9. After three weeks, check for good apples in the database on the small black rectangular electronic device.

10. If the only fruits available are bad apples and lemons, reconsider lesbianism.

- M.B.

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