Two hundred and thirty-nine dollars and ninety-one cents. That's how much it cost tonight to renew my "the depressed cougar" domain name and my Wix "premium plan" (which, most importantly, keeps the URL for my website as simply "the depressed cougar.com").
I can't afford to pay two hundred and thirty-nine dollars and ninety-one cents, but on an emotional/creative/spiritual level, I've decided that I can't afford not to.
I don't want to let my blog die, or even downgrade it to less than it's been: namely, the platform I built for myself a year ago upon which I stand as an aspiring writer and a self-possessed, self-defined mature woman.
Still, I've been bracing myself to delete the website and release the domain name for weeks now. It's a lot of money. Also, I've been worried that maybe I shouldn't label myself as a cougar anymore, and I've been worried that "depressed" is too limiting a word to capture the complexity of my mental health struggles.
At the end of the day, though, there's no other handle I can think of that's a more comfortable fit. Something about my essence is captured by these three words: "the depressed cougar."
So, the blog stays. The persona stays. The price I've paid seems egregious, but it's protected something precious to me: my self.
Yes, I'm a non-dating cougar and a more-than-depressed mentally ill individual. However, my feelings are cougar feelings, and depression is the aspect of my mental health that hinders my progress in life the most. So yes, the chaos of me and my life is overly simplified by the term, but hey, it's a funny, catchy nickname, and I'm not ready to let it go.
Goodbye, lump of money. Hello, continuing to walk the path I've been on. I'm not dead yet. Deep down, I believe I'll date again, and when I do, all indications are that it'll be as a depressed cougar.
I still have hope. This website continues to be a home for it.
So, keep reading! See you in the next blog post. xoxo